A Few Pleasent Tales Featuring The Sowmo's
by Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma
Summary: My Grandmother has no sense on what goes on in the Sohma household, so I wrote this little fic about how FB would be like if my Grandma was writing it. My first attempt at something so... formal. Viva la gaspos! [COMPLETED]
1. A nice day in Japan

**A/N:**

**My poor grandmother just doesn't understand Fruits Basket. Poor woman. So I wrote this as if she was telling it. Yeah…**

**Disclaimer: Owns nothing.**

**Warnings: OOC.**

**Charries-**

**The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan – Kyo!**

**The Stupid Rat Kid – Yuki!**

**Toe – Tohru.**

**The Dog – Shigure.**

**Cowboy – Haru.**

**Hyper One – Momiji.**

**Sowmo – Family name.**

The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan jumped out of bed one morning to be met by The Stupid Rat Kid. The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan glared, because he has red eyes. He can look strange whilst glaring, because of this. Once he had finished glaring, he trekked down the elongated staircase of the Sowmo household. The Dog was downstairs waiting to greet his two lovely cousins. Tow was also there; her face smothered in glorious smiles. Too bad one of her precious teeth was chipped. Maybe The Dog should stop feeding her so much candy.

"Good morning," The Stupid Rat Kid said slowly, as his mind power wasn't as great as The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan. Apparently, it seems that Toe is also quite slow in the mind, if you understand what I mean.

"Yes. Good morning," The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan muttered, pushing past his elegant, but rather girlish cousin. Toe went back to making breakfast for her tenants. Well, she was more their tenant, but anywho.

After the stunning breakfast of fish was made, Toe and The Dog went and did the dishes. The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan and The Stupid Rat Kid sat down and had a leisurely conversation over some hot cocoa and some trifle.

"So," The Stupid Rat Kid said whilst sipping his cocoa, "I heard you have been training hard recently so you can beat me to a bloodied pulp,"

"It's true!" The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan replied, an eerie smile on his face. "I cannot wait until the day comes,"

"Which day?"

"The day when I whoop your candy ass."

Suddenly, Hyper One came running through the gates of The Dog Sowmo's house. Maybe I should point out, he was also a Sowmo. Hyper One Sowmo was his name.

"Hello, hello! I seem to be on a sugar rush!"

"By Jove, I think you most certainly are!" Toe said coolly, bringing him some cocoa also, as if he needed more sugar in his system. He drank it so quickly, he had to do a urine.

The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan directed him to the toilet like a true gentlemen. The Dog then came outside with some cocoa and sat down next to Toe.

"Well, deary me!" The Dog exclaimed, "Is that Cowboy Sowmo I see?"

It just so happened to be. He strode up to the gate and flung it open before stealing The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan's cocoa and sipping it slowly. He did this, because his cousin was currently inside the grand house of The Dog, guiding his other cousin through the halls to the grand toilet made from pure gold.

"What a splendid afternoon!" Cooed Cowboy, as he took a piece of trifle, "What do you think, The Stupid Rat Kid, my love?"

"I am not your love," He replied coldly, "But the day is nice,"

Hyper One and his cousin came back at this point, laughing about a form of joke that had been told. It seemed to have been something along the lines of someone else's mother and them being so fat they got stuck in some sort of, Grand Canyon.

"That is quite rude," Toe said, ad Hyper One told her the joke, "I sincerely hope you are not speaking that way about my mother dearest!"

"Of course not!" He cried, kissing her hand gently, "Why would I?"

Everyone chuckled at the thought of it and sipped their cocoa. There was a prolonged silence before The Dog sighed.

"It's very humid today, I find" He said, sniffing the air, "I think it might rain,"

"Dear God," The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan groaned, "I must go inside to prevent my spirit from becoming angered!"

And so he did.

When it began to rain, Cowboy and Hyper One decided to go home. The Dog and Toe went inside to create a plump roast beef dinner (Obviously behind Cowboy's back) and The Stupid Rat Kid carried in everyone's dishes.

The day ended almost as well as it had begun.

Viva la Fin.

**A/N:**

**Le gaspos! **

**That was amazing!**

**I can't believe I wrote something so formal!**

**What did you think?**


	2. Mongolian Lamb Sauce

**A/N:**

**In this chapter, Toe and Cowboy go on an escapade to buy some Mongolian Lamb sauce. What will they encounter on the way?**

Toe was in the kitchen of the Sowmo household one sunny afternoon, when she noticed there was not a single drop of Mongolian Lamb sauce left in the house, apart from the few drips The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan had had stuck under his fingernails for the past fortnight. Toe decided not to use that, incase everyone got severe food poisoning from her foul cooking. Of course, it wouldn't be her cooking that was foul; it's just no one knows where The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan's fingers have been. The kinkiness is implied.

"The Dog?" Toe called from the kitchen. He looked up from his news paper and called back a response instead of getting up. Typical men, ne? "Can you please phone Cowboy for me? I wish to take him on a escapade to the shopping center, so I can get some more Mongolian Lamb sauce,"

"Why do you not use the drips under The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan's fingernails? Surely that would be sufficient for eighty-four kilo's of lamb?"

Toe then explained that it wouldn't be enough and that no one knew where The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan's fingers had been. Not only that, she explained the kinkiness was implied.

"By Jove! Does he never wash his fingernails?"

"I suppose not," Sighed Toe, as The Dog went and called Cowboy.

Cowboy ran over like a speeding bullet train. He was at The Dog's house within a few minutes, for he was a cow and cows are particularly fast. Cowboy bowed solemnly.

"My golly gosh!" He exclaimed, "I was so excited, I ran as if someone was trying to blow me up!" Toe gasped and grabbed him into a rough hug. He turned into a cow.

"What was that for?" He asked in a nicer manor than it sounds.

"I wish to ride you to the store. I could not be bothered to walk,"

Cowboy nodded his head and off they went, Toe on his back. On the way, they were confronted by a hobo, like so many of the other Sowmo's have done before. Cowboy was revolted by the stench the man gave off.

"You stink!" He exclaimed gaily, like the gay person he his. Toe agreed and they hobbled off down the road. Of course, over there in Japan, everyone sees talking cows, which is why to hobo did not call the authorities and the circus.

By the time they reached the store, it was almost dark. Cowboy had transformed back quite a while ago, so for the past hour, Toe had been riding on the back of a scrawny, naked boy. He had left his clothes at The Dog's, so he would have to put up with being naked for now.

Toe ran in the store and trekked along the isles before she found the exact sauce that was under The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy from Japan's fingernails. She clapped and ran out of the store without paying for it. Naughty!

Cowboy and Toe ran for their worthless lives back to The Dog's house. Of course, no one was chasing them, but they were both a bit delusional at the time. When they got hom, The Stupid Rat Kid greeting them.

"Cover you shame," He told Cowboy placidly, before walking off. Cowboy laughed and Toe made a wonderful dinner.

THE END, BY JOVE!

**A/N:**

**I have to admit, this wasn't as TAME as the other one.**

**See if I can do better next time… **


	3. Arena of Wondrous Fruits and Vegetables

**A/N:**

**Is this chapter, The Stupid Rat Kid picks and eats a strawberry with The Dog.**

The Stupid Rat Kid, naturally being a sarcastic, twisted little boy, didn't often take people to his extra special arena of wondrous fruits and vegetables. But on this special day, he decided to take The Dog there for a lovely cuppa and some strawberries.

"Toe? Would you please do me the honor of making The Dog and I some fresh, homemade cuppa? We're going on a fabulous journey to the special arena of wondrous fruits and vegetables," The Stupid Rat Kid asked Toe, whilst putting on a fancy, silver shirt. Toe nodded and went to work without a word from her stupid, fat, mouth. The Stupid Rat Kid thanked her and went to find The Dog.

"The Dog?" The Stupid Rat Kid called, from down the exquisite, brass stair case. The Dog hurried from his highly decorated bedroom and waved a hand.

"Yes, dear?"

"I wish to take you to the special arena of wondrous fruits and vegetables!"

The Dog was so happy, he ran straight into his bedroom and put some clothes on. He'd been naked previously, which is highly uncommon for a man of such etiquette. The Stupid Rat Kid clapped his hands with joy and Toe bought him the cuppa in a flask. The Dog ran down the stairs and cupped his arm with The Stupid Rat Kid's. And off they went.

"By Jove, it's a beautiful day, no?" The Dog asked as they strolled into the woods like a pleasant, happy, couple. The Stupid Rat Kid agreed like a good little boy.

Once they reached the special arena of wondrous fruits and vegetables, The Stupid Rat Kid picked the freshest, most ripened strawberry there was in the whole arena. The Dog gasped with joyous joy as The Stupid Rat Kid waltzed his way over and bowed low, handing the wondrous strawberry to The Dog.

"Oh dear Lord!" The Dog sighed, biting into the juicy fruit. "It's great!"

"It gets better, love," The Stupid Rat Kid cooed, pouring some cuppa. They spent the rest of the afternoon eating strawberries and drinking cuppa, whilst talking about the weather and weather Jove is a bi.

The end, By Jove!

**A/N:**

**Muhahahaha!**

**Yay!**


	4. Cat Boy's Nymph Hunt

**A/N:**

**OH MAN, YOU GUYS!**

**My Nan found this story and got mad! So I had to end it!**

**(feels sad)**

**Oh well…**

**In this chapter, The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy From Japan and Toe go for a walk through the woods and encounter many unusual beings…**

One morning, The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy From Japan felt like going for a leisurely walk through the many woods around The Dog's house. He hadn't done such a thing in a very long time. Had he crossed the line, by not getting exercise? Surely, Toe wouldn't want to look at him if he was slightly rotund! So he got up and went outside, where Toe was.

"The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy From Japan?" Toe asked, as he tried to make his way around her. It would pain his soul if she saw him. "What are you doing?"

"Going for a leisurely walk!" The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy From Japan assured Toe, incase she thought he was opening a drug lab or something, unlike his cousin, Cowboy. Toe nodded.

"I see. May I come, since it is such a beautiful day!"

"I suppose," He sighed, ruffling his gingerish hair. "But get a coat! I wouldn't want you to fall ill, now."

Toe was pleased that the strange cat-boy was actually interested in her health and well being. She went and grabbed her coat, before coming outside.

"By Jove!" Toe exclaimed, after just a few steps. "I bought no tea and biscuits!"

"My God girl, go and get some, before we all die a terrible death!" The Crazy Orange Haired Cat-Boy From Japan said dramatically, flailing his arms around, as if he was in an insane asylum. Toe was surprised he wasn't yet.

Coming back with some tea, they ventured into the woods surrounding The Dog Sowmo's house.

"So," Toe said, reluctantly starting a conversation she didn't want to be apart of. Being around Cat-Boy so long frightened her, as he had a tendency to bite people's heads of. Literally. Kidding!

"Yeah?"

"What are we in search for?"

Cat-Boy thought for a moment.

"Nymphs."

Now, Toe had heard of these. They were water maidens, who trapped princes and other (cute) males in their water pools and drowned them. But not before they got sexual pleasure from them. Not only that, they were… naked!

(For more info, See chapter "I'm a Nymph!" of Tohru Poop Brains)

"N-Nymphs?" Toe stuttered, spilling her tea. "But why?"

Cat-Boy didn't want Toe to know the real reason he was going in search of the mythical Nymph. So, he lied. Because lying is fun.

"So I can get sexual pleasure from them, silly!" He lied, through gritted teeth. "What's wrong with you?"

Toe was stunned and horrified. How could Cat-Boy go and get sexual pleasures from naked whore bags? She handed him a cup of tea, which she promptly spat in, (which was unlike her).

"Here."

He drank down the tea (along with the slimy spit) and shooed Toe away with a swift swipe of the hand. He wanted to get down to 'business' with the Nymphs.

"Go! I need privacy!"

Toe felt so depressed, she ran away. Cat-Boy laughed and pulled out a huge plastic bag, which contained; 1 sword, 1 drug lab instruction manual, a camera, 1 poison ivy scraping and a pair of broken headphones. These were all important items if Cat-Boy wanted to capture and murder the horrid beasts!

"AWAY WITH YEE, AWAY WITH YEE!" He hollered, "COME TO ME, COME TO ME!" Chanting, he threw some ivy scrapings on the ground. Cat-Boy waited silently in front of a puddle. The water bubbled slightly, but no Nymph came out. Feeling angst, Cat-Boy tried the only other thing that would bring out the water maiden.

"AWAY WITH YEE, AWAY WITH YEE! COME TO ME, COME TO ME!" He paused, before adding in- "GOD DAMMIT!"

He threw down the drug lab instruction manual and stopped his little, kitty, feet. The Nymph, with hair as green as the green, green grass, arose from the puddle of enchanted water. Ooo! ENCHANTED WATER. Her hair was quite long, but did nothing to cover her elegant figure. Cat-Boy stared, a small speck of drool easing it's way from the corner of his mouth. (I laughed while writing that part).

He quickly grabbed out his camera and snuck in a few pictures for himself and The Dog. Maybe even Cowboy, except he didn't like him much. Grinning, he took out his sword.

"Oh, it's a prince! Come to my enchanted puddle!" The Nymph offered, waving her hands around like a loony bin case. She "ooo!"ed and "ahhh!"ed, but didn't succeed in attracting Cat-Boy's attention.

"Die, by Jove!" He hollered, stabbing the odd looking girl in the head. She screamed loudly, before dying. Cat-Boy felt victorious. Now no one would die because of the horrid girl!

Meanwhile, in the bush where Toe was hiding, she heard a pleasurable screech.

'Oh no!' Toe thought angstly, 'He wasn't kidding!'.

She ran through the woods to find Cat-Boy, whom she wished to pull by the cat ears all the way home for doing such a dirty deed. With a camera!

Anyway, Cat-Boy stuck the broken pair of headphones on the Nymph, to stop her from ever magically coming alive again. Cat-Boy said,

"You have been defeated, foul one. I bid you a… BAD DAY INSIDE THIS BAG!"

But he doesn't usually yell. Except when The Dog is a perverted to poor, little Toe. Suddenly, Toe came running out from behind a tree.

"THE CRAZY ORANGE HAIRED CAT-BOY FROM JAPAN!" She yelled angrily. "What is the matter with you young man! Taking advantage of young Nymphs like that! Why, you evil, horrid, monstrous, despicable…" Toe paused mid rant and noticed Cat-Boy cleaning off his sword and the bag filled with what seemed to be a dead Nymph. "Sweet, caring guy! You killed the Nymph!"

"What?" Cat-Boy said, stunned. "You were just… and then… oh, forget it! Lets go home!"

So they did.

But not before Cat-Boy dropped off the film and got it processed into some photo's for himself and The Dog.

**A/N:**

**Waaah! The end of another series by me.**

**Hope you liked it, even though it was short and this one was kinda… strange…**

**See you next time!**


End file.
